An "Axe" to Grind

After watching countless hours of U.S. Open coverage, E craved the much-ballyhooed Axe Body Spray for Men. I’ll give E mad props for wearing cologne like a gentleman--subtle.

I  was raised with the Vanderbilt’s Standing Distance Rule. If someone can smell your fragrance at more than three feet away, you are wearing too much. The optimal amount of fragrance should be perceptible when someone leans toward you, not propelled at your nostrils when you enter a room.

Needless to say, E’s request horrified me. Axe is not a product you dab on delicately like a rare perfume--you blast it on like spray paint. We agreed to compromise and pick up a deodorant stick.

I must have spent forty-five minutes sniffing men’s deodorant sticks. Two were selected. I reached a few conclusions in the process. If you disagree, print this out, take it with you and start smelling. You will be amazed. Please note that:

1. All popular men’s products smell a little bit like Gillette.
2. When they say a man’s fragrance is "fresh," they mean it smells like Windex.
3. If you see a selection of more than three men’s fragrances, the rest smell like the previous three fragrances, but with either fruit, flowers or pine scent added.
4. "Bold" always equals "Cloying."

I decided to review the Axe brand of deodorant sticks. You can find company propaganda here.

**** Essence: The most popular fragrance judging by variety of products represented. I believe its charm lies in its inoffensiveness, a subtle blend of familiar but unnameable scents. I bought this for E.

* Touch: Yow! They should have named this one "Ants." It has the faint odor of squashed ants (and Gillette). This will be at Big Lots for $0.89 in no time.

*** Kilo: Windex, Gillette and insect repellent.

*****Phoenix: Smelled like Dillard’s. Agreeable. I purchased this as well. This was E’s favorite.

** Apollo: Windex, Gillette and flowers.

** Voodoo: Gillette, Old Spice and flowers.

 

I won’t even dignify the women’s fragrances with a review, however I will give them credit for not obfuscating their fragrances with silly names. "Honeysuckle," "Lavender" and "Fresh Rose" are straightforward and accurate descriptions. If you want to wear 1,000 flowers under your armpits, knock yourself out, girl.