Field Trip, Take 2

So, back to the field trip to Currier Farms.... I showed up at Tyoma's school my obligatory 15 minutes early and waited for other mom's to assemble. Fortunately, Roumanian Grandma was there to keep me company. I think that we an unspoken camaraderie since in a way we are outsiders. I am a total spazz, and she is a Roumanian National, far from home. i did mention to her that T has ASD, and she looked so sorry for me. I think she was surprised to hear how well he speaks and how fantastic his memeory was. We all loaded up on a big yellow school bus and sat at the back, the noisyest part. I was surprised to find that we were going to another school to pick up other kids. As we drove to Mastricola, Tyoma shouted "All aboard!" just like on the Dinosaur Train. The school bus was like a huge lurching boat. it seemed to float rather than drive and it even had the slight sway of a ship on the ocean. Freaky.  If this troubled T, he did not say. He was thrilled about the bus ride and began singing his Dinosaur ABC's Other folks were listening in on our patter, which was actually quite lighthearted. I noticed Miss Ann with her inscrutable smirk and wondered if Tyoma has been reciting his dinosaur ABCs all week. Nahh, most likely she was thinking "Like Mother, like child." Our ride was smoggy, boyant and a bit frightening. Our driver would swing a turn on a dime and I felt certain that the whole bus would tip over or at least teeter on two wheels. i literally had to remind myself that she knows what she is doing, but when turned up the rutted and uneven road to the orchard, I felt the jostling shudder to an end as our balance seemed precarious. We arrived safely and I seemed like the only one felt that the ride was as thrilling as tyoma who was jazzed beyond belief. next stop was a tractor drawn "hay ride." Rickety was not the word for the cart we rode on, over small for the children parents and teachers that crowded onto it acutely aware of the mothers and children hunched up next to me. tyoma felt the same discofort and i tried to block him off some personal space teacher from another school prompted me to move. i was about to speak up and say, no, we need space when i looked to miss jerry who was just as scrunched up with one of tyoma's autistic peers, who was enduring equally cramped conditions without complain. so, i moved. the side rail to my right came disconnceted an a techer held ity on as we took our ride amazingly able to relax and enjoy the ride poking closeness was distracting. tyoma immediately and loudly complained about the heat, about his jacket and about wanting out. i was mortified. he was the only kid complaining and all i could say was we'll be there in a second honey. "I'm Hooo-ot. I want out! When will we get there? I want ooooo-ut!" I was clueless. I could not think of what to say, really, and the more i thought about not knowing what to say, the less focused i was and able to intereact with tyoma. Finally we arrived and diembarked from the hayride. Tyoma ran off, which seemed like an excellent idea. I follwed him to a quiet spot while everyone else gathered around the farmer to hear his little spiel. we were the only ones off on our own. i steered t back to overhear the plans, find an apple, pick it and eat it. These trees are okay, these are not. So we found a mishapen fruit dangling from a stunted tree

Field Trip

Yesterday I accompanied Tyoma on his fieldtrip to Currier Orchards.

It was a stressfull event for both of us, really. Sometimes I wonder if I am not entirely right in the head. I was freaked out by the whole thing, despite the smiles and joking. I felt judged by the other mothers, many of whom were with their typical kids. I felt judged by the good teachers working with T, as if I was not able to mangge his behavior as well. And, I judged myself, too.

fortunately, there were some moments when I was able to shove all that out of my mind and enjoy the trip. I tell you,  it was hard work. Why am I suddenly complaining about all of these feelings? Honsetly, I've always had them, but I have been so embarassed and ashamed to share them. writing this confessional is liberating. by learning about tyoma's atypical neurological wiring i am encountering page after page of material that applies to me as well. it is truly shocking to realize that there are other people out there who feel like i do i feel compelled to write this down incase some other person finds themselves as lost anxious and depressed as i have. i don't even know you but i also don't know the folks whose blogs i read. maybe this lends my like some sort of purpose outside of my usual mommy/housewife role. i find value in this role, but sometimes i feel sop tired and bored and completely without accomplishment i had such dreams as a young woman and with utter consistancy imanaged to bail on all of them well, bnot all. here i am in a lovely home with a superlative husband and a probably profoundly gifted child. my health is good but i do need some extra something  i am trying to find this in my art, painting, watercolor etc, but since the first sweet week on fontessa being here, all i can think to do is organize my art supplies or rip pages out of books for collage. it seems to me that i excell in collecting and organizing but that i am paralyzed by the actual creating i think that is what makes art hard while we have a guest in the house. i know that fontessa is bored and that i am overwhelmed and this situation is not good for us. i don't have any energy left for her i can't even think in russian let alone have a conversation all i wanted to do was to work on my project quietly in  my little room, but she tracked me down, what are you doing, oh how nice, blah, blah blah, how do i explain that she's not welcome? no one is welcome. i clench my fists  and jaws walking in to may art room. i feel anxious picking up the paints and trying something and I almost beging and i have a visitor, no an intruder. i'm angry at both of us. i know that my reaction is not right, it must be incomprehinsible. please no people, no comments don't even look until i am ready to share. that's what is is about-- the control creating something is very private to me and i need my time to be with it and sharing is a choice. this is me trying to build an expression of myself withing a forteress of anxiety apprehansion and self doubt and i want to need to be alone with it. so i really resent her presence. it seems as if i can go no wherer without her following me. she is seeking me out because she needs and thrives on contact. i am avoiding her because she is draining the tiny bit of resouses i have to cope with tyoma and the house. i have taken to avoiding her in the extreme, pleading sickness and headaches and holoing up in my room without paints looking at books and aching to create. i disgust myself. i don't have the strength to confront her i don't think she'll understand i fear that i'll hurt her feelings she's my husband's mother that's golden. i loath myself for pretending sickness to escape it feels fals and i am certain that she must know this but if she knows i need my space why can't she give it?  I encounter  her in the halway and we waltz. she edges closes and closer. there must be a cultural difference because she always looms inches from my face and it completely unnerves me. i've taken to walking around with a white melamine tray which i angle between us when we talk she will step right up to it and look straight in my fidgity eyes and continue talking at top speed. i can't understand her does she realize this? doesn't she know how fast she is talking? i'm going to crack one day and tell her i am too tired and cant understand her what i'm afraid of is that i will say this in sucha hysterical way that she will be mortally offended.

Happy Birthday Tennisfiend

With the crush of upcoming activity--Fontessa is coming plus Tyoma's birthday, it was important to make a special day for tennisfiend. Regretably, our respite worker was unable to sit for us.

Swing

Birthday Goodness

E's Birthday Party

blah

pearl

home

Murphy

triumph

Limp as a Noodle...

I had a spark of joy as I played "limp as a noodle, heavy as a truck" with Tyoma. Getting out really helps me to feel better.

Ipswich

Lady Slippers

Yellowest Teeth in the Park

Tyoma's ability to tolerate crowds has increased. He is able to go to a moderately crowded playground and amuse himself independently. No screaming meltdowns! He now talks to himself and has even spontaneously greeted others (something he never did before).

He has been picking up on social cues from others in about two outings out of three. He keeps out of the way of older, rowdy kids. He waits his turn and is cautious of smaller children. He still does not initiate play, but he observes others playing with toys and imitates what others do. Wow. What great data gathering on my part. Should have gone clinical...

As I smiled and made pointless small talk with the other mothers, I noticed how perfect everyones teeth were. Highlights, cute jeans, snazzy shoes, fancy phones and dazzling white straight teeth. I never gave too much thought to investing in such a smile and I can't decide if I'm off-put, or jealous.

I'm definitely feeling depressed and sad.  It's like I can't move and the smallest effort takes every bit of resolve I have.  I just haven't been the same since mom left.  That last quarrel with her squashed something vital in me.  It's not her fault, but I have so much to do now that I just don't have so much extra for her. Is it unrealistic for me to expect so much from my mother?

She raised me and always had the answers. But now I am doing things on my own and I need some time to take care of my husband and do something for us as a couple without the distraction of drama or hurt feelings.  It's funny. Ask too much of Tanya and she's there for you, ask too much from mom and she'll freak out. And reverse, ask too little of Tanya and she'll freak where my mom is pretty happy reading books and doing little.  I realize that it's over-simplistic, but I need to strike a better balance with the other women in my life.



Papa with T as I take a coping break.

"Hold On to the Polka-Dots"

Jackson and Noth Conway

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, Tyoma seems to be feeling well enough for E and I to leave on an overnight trip tomorrow. Tennisfiend surprised me with  a flower delivery in the morning:

 

I'm a bit embarassed to post, but flowers are a rare treat! Thank you Moosh!

XO
DB
 

Cute Videos!

Timeline 2008

I have organized a developmental timeline for Tyoma.  As he gets older and I watch other children, I can clearly see that he is different.  I will be posting information on my blog for future reference and to help me process where he fits in on the "normal" scale.

Thanksgiving of Coughs

2008 coughs

Behavioral assesment at kindercare

say what