At Last

Finally felt like doing somethingproductive that I'd been putting off. Sent a bunch of cds to the folks. What a terrible thing depression is, anchoring you to yourself.

I Just Remembered...

I can't believe this. Last night as I was going to bed and pushing out thoughts of, "I've been depressed for years!" and remembering periods of feeling ill; I recalled that I was treated with anti-depressants in my early teens. I even remembered the medication name, Triavil, with blue triangular pills. Holy cow. I hadn't been sleeping and was missing school. I had no energy. I felt sad and took no pleasure in any of the stuff I loved. I was up all night and when I did sleep, I'd sleep until late afternoon. I was in bad shape. I was thirteen.I felt so tired. My folks took me to the doctor (it had been weeks of this) who prescribed meds to "help me sleep."  I had forgotten this entire incident of my life.

Distinctly, I recall my mother telling me that the medication was an antidepressant, but that it was only for sleep. In fact, she emphasized this to me so clearly, that I thought it odd at the time. I was to take the medication every night for several weeks and see the doctor again. Withing six weeks I was weaned off of it and never followed up on the mediction. Huhn. I have a family history of depression, bipolar and schizophrenia on both sides. In retrospect, my mother must have been scared for me and perhaps a bit resistant to the idea that I had depression.

All through school, high school, college, others labled my "problems" as nerves and stress. This does make a certain amount of sense, since I am "high strung" just  like my dad. We are two anxious peas in a pod. I "did too much" or "tried too hard." Shit, I wasn't doing too much, I was frantically fighting off the symptoms of depression (which I never recognized). Nevertheless, I had an intuition that if I stopped, inertia would strand me in bed and I would never be able to shake off the weight holding me there. I felt so unbelievably tired.

Eventually, I'd get a flu or a cold and I would stop and it seemed like my scrabbling was too feeble to push the exhaustion away. My pattern for some twenty years of schooling has been, doing okay, doing okay, anxiety, anxiety, agitated depression and then clinical depression.

Yellowest Teeth in the Park

Tyoma's ability to tolerate crowds has increased. He is able to go to a moderately crowded playground and amuse himself independently. No screaming meltdowns! He now talks to himself and has even spontaneously greeted others (something he never did before).

He has been picking up on social cues from others in about two outings out of three. He keeps out of the way of older, rowdy kids. He waits his turn and is cautious of smaller children. He still does not initiate play, but he observes others playing with toys and imitates what others do. Wow. What great data gathering on my part. Should have gone clinical...

As I smiled and made pointless small talk with the other mothers, I noticed how perfect everyones teeth were. Highlights, cute jeans, snazzy shoes, fancy phones and dazzling white straight teeth. I never gave too much thought to investing in such a smile and I can't decide if I'm off-put, or jealous.

I'm definitely feeling depressed and sad.  It's like I can't move and the smallest effort takes every bit of resolve I have.  I just haven't been the same since mom left.  That last quarrel with her squashed something vital in me.  It's not her fault, but I have so much to do now that I just don't have so much extra for her. Is it unrealistic for me to expect so much from my mother?

She raised me and always had the answers. But now I am doing things on my own and I need some time to take care of my husband and do something for us as a couple without the distraction of drama or hurt feelings.  It's funny. Ask too much of Tanya and she's there for you, ask too much from mom and she'll freak out. And reverse, ask too little of Tanya and she'll freak where my mom is pretty happy reading books and doing little.  I realize that it's over-simplistic, but I need to strike a better balance with the other women in my life.



Papa with T as I take a coping break.

Wagon Ride

What green grass! Our lawn is looking much healthier than last year, all that fertilizer must be paying off. Papa and Tyoma are enjoying the balmy day. On a mental health note, I've been taking sam E for about two weeks now. I'm going to add some St. John's wort to see if it helps. I feel sooo tired.

Swimming!

Today has been one of the warmest days of late, and not too rainy. I took Tyoma out for a little swim and was spied by our neighbor Amdy who waved us over to play. Tyoma completely ignored her and her son, but was captivated by Lily, the three year old over for a playdate. I chatted a bit with Amy, feeling akward and insincere. I had a catcher in the rye moment where I felt like a total fraud. Exchanging platitudes with Amy bored me and I felt she could see how disingenuous I felt. Highschool returned for a moment. Will some part of me always sulk, wearing heavy black eyeliner and somber goth garb, feeling alienated? The notion started to sink in and settle, depressing me, but I shook it off. Ultimately, I realized what a blessing it is to have intelligent and unusual friends. My soul does not belong to a suburban soccer mom! Bring on the quirky intellectuals, Dungeon Masters and fellow nerds! Some cheery pics of Sqirmy D. I was quite proud when he started reading her son's shirt, astounding her completely and perhaps guarenteeing that we will forever be excluded from their barbecues!

Another Week of Sleep

 I spent the week battling with a mild but draining case of the stomach flu. Sometimes I wonder if the usual contagins we pass around don't have an emotional component. I have not been myself. I've felt depressed, irritable and inexplicably stir crazy.

My weekly highlight was a brief shopping trip to the organic food market with Tennisfiend. Despite my love for exotic snack food and unlovely but healthy vegetables, I still felt bummed. Bleagh.