Mom Goes Home

I said goodbye to my mother at the airport this morning. Each visit she seems more frail. Today, her hands shook as she lowered herself into the airport wheel chair. I wondered if emotion gripped her, but age, and medication were more likely culprits. We hugged and kissed goodbye. I glanced into her eyes and presented an automatic smile that I did not feel. Every trip, sadness washes over me when she leaves.

Mom’s month long visit lacked our usual adventures and trips. We did not hunt for lighthouses in Maine or haul her scooter to remote beaches in Massachusetts. Mom, Tyoma and I stayed home, enduring sniffly colds and endless rain. I missed getting away and doing something different. A change of scenery is invigorating, since taking care of my family consumes me.

Mother came to help me recover from my recent Asperger’s diagnosis. My diagnosis is a happy occurrence, however, the stress and excitement of the process left me overwrought and exhausted. I welcomed her help and support. The smell of home cooked meals again wafted through the house. Tyoma gladly spent time with her, leaving me time to read, relax and fold laundry.

In the evenings, Mom had many questions. The process of answering them drained me. When my son was diagnosed with autism, we realized that my dad had autism too. Accepted quietly last fall, Dad’s diagnosis of Asperger’s was an obvious fit. Seeing the condition in me challenged my mother, not only because women on the spectrum present differently, but also because I am her daughter.

In the end, Mother educated herself through books and websites, embracing my diagnosis. Although I missed our seaside trips, we both needed this time to reflect on my life and future. Now, I want those trips back, with all the joy they bring. A diagnosis has not changed who I am, but it has given me insight into how I can handle my life with wisdom.

Family Visit From Hell

Last fall we had the Family Visit from Hell. I had trouble coping with E’s mother (Tanya) being here. She came right when Tyoma's school started and she stayed for two months. Sigh.

Meeting With Dr Bollick

After two months of behavior problems with Tyoma it was time for a meeting with Dr. Bollick. She is an autism/asperger specialist who has published a number of insightful books. Her Asperger Syndrome and young children: Building skills for the real world, sits on my bookshelf and is well read. I like her and respect her. She set aside an hour and a half to talk with me and was tremendously helpful and supportive. Basically, I did a wonderful job despite the circumstances and she explained to me what Tyoma was going through. Essentially Tyoma is going through a period of intense cognitive growth as he learns to socialize and develop friends. She said that there will be intense stress on him until well into February, but that the most stress came from our recent family changes. She also said that she does not advise on an extended Russian family stay simply because it is too stressful on both Tyoma and me. This was sweet music! I won't get into the specific interventions, but she did say, give it time. I feel myself struggling to recover from the whole debacle. It is important to see the past two months from Fontess'a point of view. How excrutiating it must have been to stay here with hardly anyone to talk to. Her grandson can't seem to spend more than ten minutes with her, her daughter in law is stressed and not able to give the companionship she craves, and her own son is working extra hours and is has grown far beyond from his former role of child. I think the hardest part of the whole visit was the lack of internal resourses I had. I have just enough energy to cope with Tyoma and Papa and keep well myself. Although he meant well, constantly trying to convince me that Tyoma was normal, her conversations invariably became heated and stressfukl, draining the life out of me. At which point of his two month long screaming festival did she see "normal?" Sigh.

Tennisfiend Is Home!!!

Yay! My sweet moosh is back from New Mexico!  He was happy to see Grandma and Grandpa, who sent bushels of dried fruit and goodies for Tyoma and the family. It was so nice to hear how my folks were doing and how dear sweet Misty was.

TF said that she loved him and kissed him. I would love to go to NM and see them myself. I love having Mom here, but I miss Dad so much. One way or another, we will manageg to do something special this spring. E took some cool elevator pictures for Tyoma, if I find them, I'll post them!!!

On another note, thank God he's home. Tanya now has someone to talk to. Keeping her entertained (in Russian) was no small task especially since I have Tyoma to deal with and he has been having such a hard time. Halleluia!

Sleepless Night

No Papa + school=nightmares. Tyoma woke up at 4:00 with nightmares and was unable to go back to sleep. To add to the stress of the whole situation, he seems unable to spend more than 10 minutes with Fontessa, without running around and causing mischief. Things will get better wehn Papa gets back.

On the bright side, it is wonderful to have someone here to cook!

Fontessa Arrives

Tennisfiend's mom arrived from Moscow Russia today. She will be staying with us for a month and then her husband and Tennisfiend's brother   will come for a week then the whole family is off to Philedelphia for an indeterminate period of time. I'm very excited about the visit, but also anxious. Since we got rid of the souska, he has been anxious, and when she visits he has sleep and behavior problems. I try to remind TF about this, but he seems to forget and downplays my concerns.

Realistically, he's probably right. I tend to fret and worry needlessly all the time. I went over the notes that Dr. Bollick gave me a few weeks ago. Mom helped me pic up some Russian\English picture dictionaries and flash cards. T's already interested in them, so this could be a great deal of fun. But still, I worry.  School's coming up and that means stress and sickness. Sigh.

Post 4th of July Cookout

         
We had a lovely cook out with papa sasha for our 15th met-iversary!  I am so greatful for the meds. I finally feel as if I am myself again.  I also felt quite relieved to not have to do any cooking.  Our whole meal was put together by TF and Papa Sasha.

Dentist and Scooter

Tyoma was so surprised to see Grandma this morning! I've been telling him about her visit for weeks, but now she's here! When he saw her, he gasped and said, "Gramma!!!" After initial greetings, she gave him the first of many presents, an icecream playfood set. This was a big hit, especially after he discovered that the colors of each cone were printed on the reverse of each scoop.

We had fun talking about the colors and flavors of the icecream. Mom worked on teaching him the concept of "favorite." I'm not so sure that he understands that as well as he does spelling, which he still seems obsessed with! Over lunchtime I picked up Mom's scooter, a sleek red number that fortunately breaks down into peices that are less than 40 pounds each.

After that I went to the dentist, which I dread. It wasn't too bad, a relief to have it over for another six months. When I came home, I felt cranky and tired. I immediately obsessed over putting the scooter together. After much irritability, cursing and the dropping of scooter parts on bare feet, I assembled it. Tyoma was delighted to take rides around downstairs. It will be perfect for our trip to Boston!!!

Grandma's Here!

Mom arrived late this evening since her original flight to Boston was canceled. She suspects that the airlines are trying to save money by shifting passengers onto later flights. On one hand, it's good to save fuel and resources by running less flights. On the other, a practice like this sucks since you don't get advance notice to plan your day of travel.

Are airline consumers so docile that they can be shifted around like this? No wonder the airline passenger's bill of rights is on it's way to becoming legislation. So mom got in late tonight. After gabbing for a bit and calling dad to let him know she made it in one piece, I brought her in to see monster baby. We both laughed over the incongruityof his huge frame occupying and infant's crib. His body is ready for a twin bed, but his maturity is firmly in toddlerhood. We'd have to nail his door shut at night!

Farewell Fontessa!

Tennisfiend's mom is on her way home after a very pleasant visit. We are so grateful to her for all her help while I was so sick. It was wonderful that she got to visit with her friends for a week. I think the change of scenery was refreshing for her!

I think this visit went well, oddly because of the sickness.  Fontessa had something concrete to do and I was too sick and exhausted to clash over Tyoma stuff.  And when I was better and she was ill, I spent my time fussing over her, which always seems to boost her spirits. 
Tyoma has been a little devil, especially since my illness. I speculate that it distressed him greatly when I was wiped out in bed and not taking care of him. Some firm limit setting should help. Plus, I think that he is giving up his afternoon nap and is in that awful cranky place where a nap is too much sleep (jumping up and down until 9:30 pm), and no nap is too little (fussy britches from 4:30 on). Eh, motherhood!

A Little Vacation

Fontessa has taken off for a week in Philadelphia to visit with friends. Her visit has been very restful for everyone, excepting, of course, for the colds and tummy bugs that continuously plauge us.

I'm glad for the little break. It keeps us from getting on each other's nerves.

It feels as if everything in the house is smoothly regulating itself. What a relief to have sold our home in NM! I hope that soon all will be resolved with Tennisfiend's company in NM as well. Ahhhh!

From Russia with Love

Fontessa arrived from Moscow for a six week visit! I spent the better part of the day cleaning and straightening up, as anyone could predict. I sent the squirmy guy for a day at preschool so he can spend tomorrow morning with Baba. Naturally, I wanted to get him excited over the visit so I showed him some old pictures of Fontessa and chanted, "Baba is coming! Baba is coming!!!" End result? At 9:00 this evening he was jumping up and down in his crib yelling, "Ba-Ba! Ba-Ba! Ba-Baaaa!" Little Maniac!

Another ice storm is predicted for tonight, although it won't hit till 2am or so. I fretfully checked the weather and flight status info until I got the "We're on our way home" call from Tennisfiend. Poor Fontessa arrived with no luggage, since her flight was delayed in Moscow and her bags didn't make the connecting flight in Zurich. Although TF told me this on the phone, I didn't think to fetch her some clothing untill after she'd been here for a half an hour.  I frantically searched through my stuff for something for her to wear that wasn't to monstrously huge. I'm a sturdy,  tall woman and Fontessa's as petite and slight as a bird. I found some lounge wear, but was sort of like Stimpy dressing Renn in his worn sweats.

Videos!

This is so sweet! Our little guy asks for "more!"

Visit From Papa Sasha!

Tyoma's Grandpa from Moscow came to visit us for a few days. Everyone took lots of pictures:
 
  Papa Sasha wins Tyoma over instantly with colorful and fantastic drawings.  

After breakfast Papa Sasha showed Tyoma how to take photgraphs with his digital camera. Although Tyoma's first photo was of the ceiling, his second turned out pretty well!

  "Oooooooooh!" Lunch at the Beanery with robo-crab.   Papa Sasha's lovely portrait. T looks like a Franklin Mint china doll.  Badminton game!   Students of English hard at work!   It's for you! Visits with Papa Sasha always go so smoothly.  I think that's because they are so brief and on such short notice that I don't have time to get bent out of shape!

Seaside Escapade

Today Mom, Tyoma and I took off for a little seaside excursion. We left at 9:15 this morning despite the overcast and slightly windy weather. Mom sat in the back seat with Tyoma, entertaining him with travel toys, noises and general silliness.
 
Mom also entertained me on the drive to Hampton Beach, since she knew the name of all the trees, shrubs, flowers and foliage that we passed on the roadway. I know nothing about local flora except that some trees are oaks and others are pine trees. In fact, I only recently made the connection between acorns and oaks. Duh.
 
Anyway, Tyoma spent the last bit of our drive gasping dramatically, saying “Ooooooohh!” and “O-cye!” pointing out the window to the sea. His little eyes glowed! We arrived first at Hampton Beach, which was relatively deserted, except for a few senior citizens milling about and a smattering of skinny joggers. The season is over.
 
We didn't park because I forgot to bring $40 in quarters for the meters so we could spend a half an hour on the beach. We left then for our ultimate destination, Wallace Beach, which was also closed for the season. Actually, the beach and parking lots are still accessible, but the facilities were all locked up tight. This solitude was fortunate, since Tyoma behaved like a little maniac.
 
He obviously loves the ocean, but the size and newness of it blew the little circuits in his head. He pitched fit after fit, screaming and crying when I made him hold my hand. He wanted to go, go, go! The weather was too blustery for a walk in the waves, so I struggled with him as he tried to drag me into the surf. It was frustrating.
 
After fifteen minutes of exertion, we packed up and made our way back to the SUV. Poor Tyoma looked so tragic, clutching onto his baa and sucking frantically on his souska as I wheeled him to the car. We visited another recreation area by the sea with a modest grassy park. A small group of mothers and a few toddlers Tyoma’s size were picnicking over to one side.
 
I said a silent prayer and set Tyoma free. To his credit, he did relatively well until he caught sight of the waves at a corner of the park. Another tussle ensued, this time with me trying to prevent him from scaling the boulders and rocks that blocked him from the sea. More screams and crying, this time accompanied by the stares of everyone else at the park.
 
I wasn’t quite mortified, but indeed I was a trifle embarrassed. So much for our seaside adventure! We packed it up and decided to go out for lunch. Would Tyoma throw an unprecidented and alarming fit that would humiliate us in front of the restaurant staff?
 
No! He was a total sweetie who completely charmed the everyone. “Oh, what a cute little boy!” our waitress with the little-girl voice cooed. She fussed over him and he had the audacity to giggle as if to say, “See, I am a totally reasonable child. I just needed some love and understanding!” Sheesh!
 
The three of us had a super lunch. Mom and I ordered the mega plate of fried clams, with tartar sauce, fried potatoes, coleslaw and a tumbler of peanut oil to guarantee a caloric content of 10,000. Tyoma ate fried chicken, fruit, and French fries. Despite all the overstimulation today, he was a good little boy. In the pictures below, he is eating a lemon (loves them) slice.
 

Goodbye Fontessa!!!

I hesitate to post this, due to the souska, but he still looks pretty cute.  Tanya was a bit tearful before she left, and our delicate little guy picked up on it and needed his souska to say good bye without major fussiness and running around.

Potty Training

Tanya expressed her ideas about toilet training.  I think she meant well, but it came out a bit snarky, anyway.  In Russia, she explained, a mother's first job is to toilet train her child.  She said it was very important, especially since blankets and sheets had to be washed.  Pampers changed all that she lamented, since it is so easy to let them go.  She even asked for a potty and to start training. 

Is it just me, or does that sound like a sly way of her saying that I don't know what I'm doing?  I don't want to think that way, but I feel it.  My own research tells me that you can "train" but that you will not be accident free until a certain internal milestone is reached.  I don't think that he's anywhere near ready and that putting him on the potty will freak him out. He won't sit for it.

So she wants to try. I don't care.  I talked to TF about it, he said get the potty, let her do it, and ignore her.  He also said that I should ignore her drama over Tyoma's crying, because it's not about me, it's about Tanya and how she feels.  This maybe true, but I can feel the tension and it makes me feel like a prisoner in my own home.  It's been less than two weeks and I am ready for her to go back to Moscow.

Naps

I am about to loose my mind. I feel angry, frustrated and a teeny bit hopeless. 

Tyoma is having trouble sleeping.  He won't nap during the day and he's waking up at night.  I remember sleep problems last time Tanya visited, but that was long ago.  He's older now.  But as soon as she visits, his behavior is whack.  It seems like he can't sleep because he gets too excited.  He needs calm and quiet, or just to be ignored until he cries it out.
It seems like sleep always gets messed up when Tanya's here.  I think it is because she does not respect my way of doing things.  When he was a baby, I'd have to shoo her out of his room at night and during the day. She disrupted everything. I dunno, it just seems like I need to be doing the same thing I always do for sleep and when she's here he cries more and he's upset more. But we must keep to our little schedule that he is used to, otherwise it makes it worse and he gets even more wound up.

She tells me that she raised two boys and that she knows.  Well, I've done a fine job raising Tyoma who slept just fine before you came, thankyouverymuch. I have little clouds of cartoon steam coming out of my ears now.  I hate drama in my home.  I hate that she makes a big deal of swishing out of her room on to the back porch so she can't hear him cry. Ugh.

If that was not bad enough, he's skipping his nap. So now he's not sleeping during the day and he's having trouble sleeping at night.  It's just getting worse. The move was easier on him than her visit.  I think because I was in control and I didn't change any rules to placate her.  I hate that she dramatizes his crying as if I am killing him. Its all about her and how she feels and not about how we do things  here and keep order. 

No one listens to me. TF stays uninvolved. I am making an appointment with a pediatrician to get some support. Grrr, grrr, grrr.

Tanya Arrives

Tanya arrives from Moscow today.  I hope that our visit goes well, I expect so since there is so much I need to do and her help will allow me to get stuff done without taxing Tyoma.  He does not like to shop or go out much.

I can't believe that we are mostly moved in! I was able to get so much done when mom was here, but a multitude of boxes still remain, unopened, unorganized.

I feel so scatter-brained.  The hardest part of moving is finding a new permanent place for all the stuff we use.  I can't keep track of my car keys, purse or scissors since they don't have a "place" yet.  this is so frustrating.  It will all come together, but it's harder than you think to know all of the places in your new home and to transmit onto this new space a map of where your old stuff used to go. Labels. I need lists and labels!

Papa Sasha!!!

Yay! Papa Sasha is in Town. He'll be sleeping over at the house over the weekend, coming up with exciting plans for our new place!