Field Trip

Yesterday I accompanied Tyoma on his fieldtrip to Currier Orchards.

It was a stressfull event for both of us, really. Sometimes I wonder if I am not entirely right in the head. I was freaked out by the whole thing, despite the smiles and joking. I felt judged by the other mothers, many of whom were with their typical kids. I felt judged by the good teachers working with T, as if I was not able to mangge his behavior as well. And, I judged myself, too.

fortunately, there were some moments when I was able to shove all that out of my mind and enjoy the trip. I tell you,  it was hard work. Why am I suddenly complaining about all of these feelings? Honsetly, I've always had them, but I have been so embarassed and ashamed to share them. writing this confessional is liberating. by learning about tyoma's atypical neurological wiring i am encountering page after page of material that applies to me as well. it is truly shocking to realize that there are other people out there who feel like i do i feel compelled to write this down incase some other person finds themselves as lost anxious and depressed as i have. i don't even know you but i also don't know the folks whose blogs i read. maybe this lends my like some sort of purpose outside of my usual mommy/housewife role. i find value in this role, but sometimes i feel sop tired and bored and completely without accomplishment i had such dreams as a young woman and with utter consistancy imanaged to bail on all of them well, bnot all. here i am in a lovely home with a superlative husband and a probably profoundly gifted child. my health is good but i do need some extra something  i am trying to find this in my art, painting, watercolor etc, but since the first sweet week on fontessa being here, all i can think to do is organize my art supplies or rip pages out of books for collage. it seems to me that i excell in collecting and organizing but that i am paralyzed by the actual creating i think that is what makes art hard while we have a guest in the house. i know that fontessa is bored and that i am overwhelmed and this situation is not good for us. i don't have any energy left for her i can't even think in russian let alone have a conversation all i wanted to do was to work on my project quietly in  my little room, but she tracked me down, what are you doing, oh how nice, blah, blah blah, how do i explain that she's not welcome? no one is welcome. i clench my fists  and jaws walking in to may art room. i feel anxious picking up the paints and trying something and I almost beging and i have a visitor, no an intruder. i'm angry at both of us. i know that my reaction is not right, it must be incomprehinsible. please no people, no comments don't even look until i am ready to share. that's what is is about-- the control creating something is very private to me and i need my time to be with it and sharing is a choice. this is me trying to build an expression of myself withing a forteress of anxiety apprehansion and self doubt and i want to need to be alone with it. so i really resent her presence. it seems as if i can go no wherer without her following me. she is seeking me out because she needs and thrives on contact. i am avoiding her because she is draining the tiny bit of resouses i have to cope with tyoma and the house. i have taken to avoiding her in the extreme, pleading sickness and headaches and holoing up in my room without paints looking at books and aching to create. i disgust myself. i don't have the strength to confront her i don't think she'll understand i fear that i'll hurt her feelings she's my husband's mother that's golden. i loath myself for pretending sickness to escape it feels fals and i am certain that she must know this but if she knows i need my space why can't she give it?  I encounter  her in the halway and we waltz. she edges closes and closer. there must be a cultural difference because she always looms inches from my face and it completely unnerves me. i've taken to walking around with a white melamine tray which i angle between us when we talk she will step right up to it and look straight in my fidgity eyes and continue talking at top speed. i can't understand her does she realize this? doesn't she know how fast she is talking? i'm going to crack one day and tell her i am too tired and cant understand her what i'm afraid of is that i will say this in sucha hysterical way that she will be mortally offended.

Home Again

Yay!

My sweet moosh is back from New Mexico! He was happy to see Grandma and Grandpa, who sent bushels of dried fruit and goodies for Tyoma and the family. It was so nice to hear how my folks were doing and how dear sweet Misty was. E said that Misty loved him and kissed him. I would love to go to NM and see them myself. I love having Mom here, but I miss Dad so much. One way or another, we will manageg to do something special this spring.

E took some cool elevator pictures for Tyoma, if I find them, I'll post them!!!

Tennisfiend Is Home!!!

Yay! My sweet moosh is back from New Mexico!  He was happy to see Grandma and Grandpa, who sent bushels of dried fruit and goodies for Tyoma and the family. It was so nice to hear how my folks were doing and how dear sweet Misty was.

TF said that she loved him and kissed him. I would love to go to NM and see them myself. I love having Mom here, but I miss Dad so much. One way or another, we will manageg to do something special this spring. E took some cool elevator pictures for Tyoma, if I find them, I'll post them!!!

On another note, thank God he's home. Tanya now has someone to talk to. Keeping her entertained (in Russian) was no small task especially since I have Tyoma to deal with and he has been having such a hard time. Halleluia!

Some Results

Jerri suggested that I try to boost Tyoma's structure at home with schedules. I have been having some problems with that, I think that I will turn to using his old picture schedules, since right now he maybe too stressed to process written schedules as well. We shall see.

T's speech therapist wrote me a note telling me how well he was progressing, especially with regards to conversations, eye contact and pronouns. I remember this time last year when I/you were still pretty mixed up. I think it was only in the spring, around the time of mom's last visit that the I/you substantially diminished.

Some Results...

Jerri suggested that I try to boost Tyoma's structure at home with schedules. I have been having some problems with that, I think that I will turn to using his old picture schedules, since right now he maybe too stressed to process written schedules as well. We shall see.

T's speech therapist wrote me a note telling me how well he was progressing, especially with regards to conversations, eye contact and pronouns. I remember this time last year when I/you were still pretty mixed up. I think it was only in the spring, around the time of mom's last visit that the I/you substantially diminished.

Sleep Problems

No Papa + school=nightmares. Tyoma woke up at 4:00 with nightmares and was unable to go back to sleep. To add to the stress of the whole situation, he seems unable to spend more than 10 minutes with Fontessa, without running around and causing mischief. Things will get better wehn Papa gets back.

On the bright side, it is wonderful to have someone here to cook!

Sleepless Night

No Papa + school=nightmares. Tyoma woke up at 4:00 with nightmares and was unable to go back to sleep. To add to the stress of the whole situation, he seems unable to spend more than 10 minutes with Fontessa, without running around and causing mischief. Things will get better wehn Papa gets back.

On the bright side, it is wonderful to have someone here to cook!

School Starts

Double Whammy! Tennisfiend is off to New Mexico for the week and Tyoma started his first day of school. T's appetite was off today, but I put that up to nerves for the first day of school. It is great to get back to a regular schedule. I spoke to Ms. Jerri about Tyoma's behavior problems, the trouble sleeping, nose wiping and biting. Sh suggested that I have a little wind down list of things for him to do when he comes home from school.

First Day of School

Double Whammy! Tennisfiend is off to New Mexico for the week and Tyoma started his first day of school. T's appetite was off today, but I put that up to nerves for the first day of school. It is great to get back to a regular schedule. I spoke to Ms. Jerri about Tyoma's behavior problems, the trouble sleeping, nose wiping and biting. She suggested that I have a little wind down list of things for him to do when he comes home from school.

Open House

I am such a goof. T was cranky and not his best so I left him at home while I went to the school's open house. I was really loving my groovy new shag, though I seriously want to invest in some real highlights. My hair feels like straw with the bottle and the color washes out in a few weeks and overall, it looks too orangy.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty good. It was nice to see the other moms, but I have to tell you, I am one akward mother-f*****. I stammer, wiggle and fight myself to shut up when talking to others. It is a real struggle. I feel a little bit lost, don't know what to say and the moment someone asks me how I am, my mouth is off and running. I have to stop myself  to keep from  constantly blabbing on and on. I do better with friends, for sure. New people are freaky. I can relax when I know someone and like them.

What a goof! Anyway, it was nice to see some of T's classmates and to see Ms. Jerri again. I spoke to her about some of the behavior problems Tyoma has been having and she thinks that the stress of having someone new in the house is the culprit. Sigh. Maybe we all are sensitive.  And to top it all off, E is going to New Mexico for several days next week. That will be even more change around the house. I am trying not to think about it right now.