Thursday, March 31, 2011
Aspie Quiz
I am wondering more and more about the broad autism phenotype. http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Broad Autism Phenotype Quiz
In my research I came across a term that I think fits my place in this whole autism debate swirling in my head.
The broad autism phenotype (BAP) is a term used to describe a wide blanket of social, behavioral, language, and personality characteristics that are not clinically autistic, but close enough to establish a pattern among those related to autistics. So, if you fit the broad autism phenotype, you have some problems and are perhaps quirky, but you are still normal.
I googled it and found at the ever reliable website for all your psychological testing needs (Okcupid)
The broad autism phenotype (BAP) is a term used to describe a wide blanket of social, behavioral, language, and personality characteristics that are not clinically autistic, but close enough to establish a pattern among those related to autistics. So, if you fit the broad autism phenotype, you have some problems and are perhaps quirky, but you are still normal.
I googled it and found at the ever reliable website for all your psychological testing needs (Okcupid)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
On Autism and Mood Disorder (Bipolar)
Poor Hubby stayed home today, ill with the cold that wiped me and Tyoma out Monday. Dr. Google decided Egor's "pulled hamstring" is actually sciatica, making both of us feel a bit older and fragile.
His pain hits him when sitting, in his car and at his desk. His weekend guitar playing marathons might be the culprit. Sitting on our low profile bed, strums away for hour in a position that certainly looks uncomfortable. Anyway, neither sickness nor sciatica seem to deter his guitar playing or singing, so I'm glad that he is taking off a day and enjoying it. E will consult a real doctor Friday if he is not feeling better.
I'm still mid-YouTube Project, uploading and organizing videos. I was so jazzed over all the organizing, I had trouble falling asleep. Perhaps drinking 1,000 cups of tea contributed.
Life hasn't been all videos and journal transfers, though. I spent time researching autism yesterday morning. I half remembered literature about about depressed mothers and autism and checked it out. Curiously, there is something called the "broad autism phenotype," which pretty accurately sums up where our family is at on the spectrum. Am I diagnosable? Who knows, but I sure fit in on the phenotype.
Looking at heritability and autism, I found some interesting studies. The "gifted" type of autism, ie, autism where one can speak and has intellectual gifts (HFA/Aspereger's with high IQ) often presents alongside family histories of bipolar or major depression. Interesting. Dad's profoundly gifted, E and I are exceptionally gifted and we have depression and bipolar in both of our families. My dad's father was bipolar--in and out of institutions. Both Dad's mother and Egor's mother have major depression. My mom? Hmmmmm. Anxious, compulsive and coming soon on an episode of Hoarder's.
Neurodiversity. I'm lovin' it.
Would I like to change anything about my life? Be less awkward, have more friends? Not if it cost me my thoughts. I'll even keep my depression right where it is--manageable but omnipresent. I am glad for the reduction of anxiety and obsessive thoughts that Lexapro has brought. I can sleep regular hours and my life is not a 24 hour "Strange Addictions" episode, where viewers can watch me google hypochondriacally, ruminate endlessly over my own mortality and imagine vivid scenarios of the deaths of loved ones.
Below is the article I read with regards to autism and bipolar disorder. I have edited the article for readibility, you can find the article in its entirity here.
His pain hits him when sitting, in his car and at his desk. His weekend guitar playing marathons might be the culprit. Sitting on our low profile bed, strums away for hour in a position that certainly looks uncomfortable. Anyway, neither sickness nor sciatica seem to deter his guitar playing or singing, so I'm glad that he is taking off a day and enjoying it. E will consult a real doctor Friday if he is not feeling better.
I'm still mid-YouTube Project, uploading and organizing videos. I was so jazzed over all the organizing, I had trouble falling asleep. Perhaps drinking 1,000 cups of tea contributed.
Life hasn't been all videos and journal transfers, though. I spent time researching autism yesterday morning. I half remembered literature about about depressed mothers and autism and checked it out. Curiously, there is something called the "broad autism phenotype," which pretty accurately sums up where our family is at on the spectrum. Am I diagnosable? Who knows, but I sure fit in on the phenotype.
Looking at heritability and autism, I found some interesting studies. The "gifted" type of autism, ie, autism where one can speak and has intellectual gifts (HFA/Aspereger's with high IQ) often presents alongside family histories of bipolar or major depression. Interesting. Dad's profoundly gifted, E and I are exceptionally gifted and we have depression and bipolar in both of our families. My dad's father was bipolar--in and out of institutions. Both Dad's mother and Egor's mother have major depression. My mom? Hmmmmm. Anxious, compulsive and coming soon on an episode of Hoarder's.
Neurodiversity. I'm lovin' it.
Would I like to change anything about my life? Be less awkward, have more friends? Not if it cost me my thoughts. I'll even keep my depression right where it is--manageable but omnipresent. I am glad for the reduction of anxiety and obsessive thoughts that Lexapro has brought. I can sleep regular hours and my life is not a 24 hour "Strange Addictions" episode, where viewers can watch me google hypochondriacally, ruminate endlessly over my own mortality and imagine vivid scenarios of the deaths of loved ones.
Below is the article I read with regards to autism and bipolar disorder. I have edited the article for readibility, you can find the article in its entirity here.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Major Depression and Autism
This is a though provoking article I found on the relationship between depression/bipolar and autism in families.
We have an abundance of mental illness in our families. Depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder seem to hit four out of five relatives in both my family and E's family. Very curious.
I suspect that some sort of neurological link exists. We know that depression and schizophrenia are manageable with medication. I suspect autism and "mental illness" might actually have some co-occrance and that the variation of manifesstations off autism and aspergers might result from the inteaction of a differently wired brain and plus variations in the levels and functioning of various neurotransmitters.
Could it be that our understanding of personality is not of a disease process, but of a natural process created by gentic variation straight from our parents? Maybe. It would be wonderful to relable "personality disorders" as some sort of a variation attributed to brain structure and processing. For those who are social impared, or rather feel that there quality of life is impacted by their way of doing things ther could be wonderful news. you could learn new ways of doing things more adaptive ways to funtion while at the same time maintaining your own specific gifts. i think that this needs to be up to the individual to decide unless he or she is so impared that they present a danger to themselves or others.
We have an abundance of mental illness in our families. Depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder seem to hit four out of five relatives in both my family and E's family. Very curious.
I suspect that some sort of neurological link exists. We know that depression and schizophrenia are manageable with medication. I suspect autism and "mental illness" might actually have some co-occrance and that the variation of manifesstations off autism and aspergers might result from the inteaction of a differently wired brain and plus variations in the levels and functioning of various neurotransmitters.
Could it be that our understanding of personality is not of a disease process, but of a natural process created by gentic variation straight from our parents? Maybe. It would be wonderful to relable "personality disorders" as some sort of a variation attributed to brain structure and processing. For those who are social impared, or rather feel that there quality of life is impacted by their way of doing things ther could be wonderful news. you could learn new ways of doing things more adaptive ways to funtion while at the same time maintaining your own specific gifts. i think that this needs to be up to the individual to decide unless he or she is so impared that they present a danger to themselves or others.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Clingy!
After almost three days of outstanding behavior, I had high expectations for today with T. The past few Fridays we've had great success with outings, so today when the Clingy Monster reared his head I felt irritated and let down. Sometimes my son can be so baffling!
We started our outing to the mall with the usual complaints and requests to stay home, but with the aid of gummy letters we made it into the car and out of the driveway. At almost every outing, we push over this hump. Once I get past the prelude of protests, obsessive questions, and general mischief, our outings become fun and pleasant. Tyoma's anxiety threshold varies, so each outing I am prepared to brave a certain amount of bellyaching to reach the payoff. Today, he complained more than usual and reward of fun seemed rather far off.
I had trouble adjusting to Tyoma's inattentiveness and persistent disapproval. I think I felt frazzled by the inquisition in the car over digital and analogue clocks. At the mall, I was taking some deep breaths and working hard to ignore the looks from the mothers of calm kids. During one of those breaths, I noticed Tyoma was more relaxed at the mall than last week, when he seemed a bit wild eyed. He glided over to his favorite mosaic of tiles, happily pointing out north, south, east and west (the mosaic looks like and octogram), smiling and seeking me out for approval.
The walk to Chick Fila was stimulating. Tyoma pointed out sale numbers in store windows and eventually became so distracted by them that I needed to scoot him along. He came along obligingly and even waited patiently as I ordered for us. Seated overlooking the big mall clock we inhaled our respective meals. I was pleased to that he gobbled up all of his chicken and fruit with out my needing to nag.
We negotiated a trip to the bathroom for me (he hates the motorized hand-driers). In the bathroom stall he loudly asked me if he could flush away my pee. I chuckled and said "Sure, flush away." I might have been embarrassed, but some part of my brain collapsed ten minutes earlier and I okay with it. Next ,we dropped by GAP Kids to pick up spring/summer t-shirts. There be trouble.
GAP Kids is a great store since their shirts are soft, tagless and have large neck holes. Oh! And their dressing rooms have two-foot tall numbers on them. A trip in the store is a treat for T. Unless, of course, the music is set to "stupefy." Once inside, he started running around and touching everything. His plan was to mortify me into taking him out of the too-loud store. I knew this routine all too well.
At my request, the sales lady turned off the music and Tyoma recovered enough to look at selected shirts. It took two gummies rewards for patience, but he assented to the purchase of four shirts. He also asked for a frilly yellow skirt. I replied that he can choose frilly things in high school, but for now he wears boy clothes. My exasperated delivery elicited a smile form our cashier. As an additional treat, he picked out two pairs of skull socks for mastering the art of putting on his socks. I briefly considered looking for pants but discounted the idea, whizzing out of the store for escalator and elevator rides.
After enough elevator rides to confuse me as to which floor we were on, we left the mall. Tyoma pleaded for a Toys R Us visit, but I feared over-stimulation. We dropped into the nearby Barnes and Noble and had a snack in the quiet Starbucks cafe area. I could see other patrons wince as we selected our seats. I remained brave, reminded T to use his "Number 2 Voice" and saw everyone relax. Our snack was lovely and refreshing. T was calm and introspective. We talked quietly and ate briskly.
Since Tyoma still wanted to look at toys, we dropped by the Toy Spot, which is closing in a week. I should have gone straight home, but foolishly I went. All had gone so well, that I forgot our initial high complaint level. The store had been re-organized and was populated by manic kindergartners and their bargain hunting mothers. Still, I stayed. D'oh.
There was an inevitable meltdown over a "100" poster, which I would have gotten if not for the demanding way he asked for it. He was just too overloaded. We took a break, bought a "make your own board game" and went home.
T was cheery in the car and we set up a pretend race between us and papa (who was coming home early today) to see who got home first. Our evening was unremarkable except for a bedtime meltdown. Tyoma is rarely tearful at night, so I felt guilty for overstimulating. Sometimes I have trouble knowing just when to push and when to pull back. On another day, our outing would have been fun and energizing, just not today. I began to beat myself up, agonizing over my decisions and fretting that I made the evening difficult for the whole household. Seriously, I can't be perfect all the time, but I will try to be more mindful of T's stress level.
Is it odd that I expect perfection? A perfect day without meltdown or conflicts? Look at my home. It's about as perfect as I can make it--almost white glove clean. It is as organized as a home can be without being The Official House of OCD. I long to be flexible and forgiving to myself , but at the same time as I berate, I analyze and build an understanding coping with a behavior. I don't have a feel like other professionals--Ashley, Heather or Jerri. Is something not quite right with me? Why can't I tell what's going on as it unfolds? Why do I rely on the data I keep, filed away and categorized for specific situations and not intuition? Maybe I am not too far reminder from spectrum myself.
We started our outing to the mall with the usual complaints and requests to stay home, but with the aid of gummy letters we made it into the car and out of the driveway. At almost every outing, we push over this hump. Once I get past the prelude of protests, obsessive questions, and general mischief, our outings become fun and pleasant. Tyoma's anxiety threshold varies, so each outing I am prepared to brave a certain amount of bellyaching to reach the payoff. Today, he complained more than usual and reward of fun seemed rather far off.
I had trouble adjusting to Tyoma's inattentiveness and persistent disapproval. I think I felt frazzled by the inquisition in the car over digital and analogue clocks. At the mall, I was taking some deep breaths and working hard to ignore the looks from the mothers of calm kids. During one of those breaths, I noticed Tyoma was more relaxed at the mall than last week, when he seemed a bit wild eyed. He glided over to his favorite mosaic of tiles, happily pointing out north, south, east and west (the mosaic looks like and octogram), smiling and seeking me out for approval.
The walk to Chick Fila was stimulating. Tyoma pointed out sale numbers in store windows and eventually became so distracted by them that I needed to scoot him along. He came along obligingly and even waited patiently as I ordered for us. Seated overlooking the big mall clock we inhaled our respective meals. I was pleased to that he gobbled up all of his chicken and fruit with out my needing to nag.
We negotiated a trip to the bathroom for me (he hates the motorized hand-driers). In the bathroom stall he loudly asked me if he could flush away my pee. I chuckled and said "Sure, flush away." I might have been embarrassed, but some part of my brain collapsed ten minutes earlier and I okay with it. Next ,we dropped by GAP Kids to pick up spring/summer t-shirts. There be trouble.
GAP Kids is a great store since their shirts are soft, tagless and have large neck holes. Oh! And their dressing rooms have two-foot tall numbers on them. A trip in the store is a treat for T. Unless, of course, the music is set to "stupefy." Once inside, he started running around and touching everything. His plan was to mortify me into taking him out of the too-loud store. I knew this routine all too well.
At my request, the sales lady turned off the music and Tyoma recovered enough to look at selected shirts. It took two gummies rewards for patience, but he assented to the purchase of four shirts. He also asked for a frilly yellow skirt. I replied that he can choose frilly things in high school, but for now he wears boy clothes. My exasperated delivery elicited a smile form our cashier. As an additional treat, he picked out two pairs of skull socks for mastering the art of putting on his socks. I briefly considered looking for pants but discounted the idea, whizzing out of the store for escalator and elevator rides.
After enough elevator rides to confuse me as to which floor we were on, we left the mall. Tyoma pleaded for a Toys R Us visit, but I feared over-stimulation. We dropped into the nearby Barnes and Noble and had a snack in the quiet Starbucks cafe area. I could see other patrons wince as we selected our seats. I remained brave, reminded T to use his "Number 2 Voice" and saw everyone relax. Our snack was lovely and refreshing. T was calm and introspective. We talked quietly and ate briskly.
Since Tyoma still wanted to look at toys, we dropped by the Toy Spot, which is closing in a week. I should have gone straight home, but foolishly I went. All had gone so well, that I forgot our initial high complaint level. The store had been re-organized and was populated by manic kindergartners and their bargain hunting mothers. Still, I stayed. D'oh.
There was an inevitable meltdown over a "100" poster, which I would have gotten if not for the demanding way he asked for it. He was just too overloaded. We took a break, bought a "make your own board game" and went home.
T was cheery in the car and we set up a pretend race between us and papa (who was coming home early today) to see who got home first. Our evening was unremarkable except for a bedtime meltdown. Tyoma is rarely tearful at night, so I felt guilty for overstimulating. Sometimes I have trouble knowing just when to push and when to pull back. On another day, our outing would have been fun and energizing, just not today. I began to beat myself up, agonizing over my decisions and fretting that I made the evening difficult for the whole household. Seriously, I can't be perfect all the time, but I will try to be more mindful of T's stress level.
Is it odd that I expect perfection? A perfect day without meltdown or conflicts? Look at my home. It's about as perfect as I can make it--almost white glove clean. It is as organized as a home can be without being The Official House of OCD. I long to be flexible and forgiving to myself , but at the same time as I berate, I analyze and build an understanding coping with a behavior. I don't have a feel like other professionals--Ashley, Heather or Jerri. Is something not quite right with me? Why can't I tell what's going on as it unfolds? Why do I rely on the data I keep, filed away and categorized for specific situations and not intuition? Maybe I am not too far reminder from spectrum myself.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Black Forest
We had a pretty god Day today. I can tell when Tyoma is feeling well since he is so, well, normal! I tell you, he is so different from Alex, who has autism as well.
breakfast with Ashleigh
breakfast with Ashleigh
Poor Dad
i've been a bit worried over mom's off behavior, why she has been more anxious. usually i'm just irritated with her without understanding whats going on, taking behavior as a personal affront really a reaction to some underlying anxiety.
so here's what's up. I called her cell and got dad, who was in the dentists office. surprised, but not concerned . when i reached mom later that afternoon i founf out that dad had three teeth pulled plus a nasty abscess under them. shocked and saddened and irritated. mom has this notion that dad's low energy is caused by eb, since i had trouble with chronic fatigue years ago. my belief that my cfs was actually major depression complicated perhaps by a bit of fevers in the late pm.
i know that i have a problem with major depression, and have had one for years and as i learn more about the autism spectrum, my diagnosed father, son i wonder if there is not a link and if i am close to the spectrum and some of its issues as well. that's another entry.
sometimes i seem to walk in a cloud of defensiveness do i misinterpret others behavior as negative because it really is or just because when ambiguity cautious read ambiguity as a threat maybe problems with tanya are misreading her behaviors as being meddlesome, interfereing, contolling actually trying to help can't rely on language to sort out issues i make a lot of assumptions which are not correct.
people stress me out and i feel constantly judged weighed makes interactions had takes time to get into a comfort zone.
so here's what's up. I called her cell and got dad, who was in the dentists office. surprised, but not concerned . when i reached mom later that afternoon i founf out that dad had three teeth pulled plus a nasty abscess under them. shocked and saddened and irritated. mom has this notion that dad's low energy is caused by eb, since i had trouble with chronic fatigue years ago. my belief that my cfs was actually major depression complicated perhaps by a bit of fevers in the late pm.
i know that i have a problem with major depression, and have had one for years and as i learn more about the autism spectrum, my diagnosed father, son i wonder if there is not a link and if i am close to the spectrum and some of its issues as well. that's another entry.
sometimes i seem to walk in a cloud of defensiveness do i misinterpret others behavior as negative because it really is or just because when ambiguity cautious read ambiguity as a threat maybe problems with tanya are misreading her behaviors as being meddlesome, interfereing, contolling actually trying to help can't rely on language to sort out issues i make a lot of assumptions which are not correct.
people stress me out and i feel constantly judged weighed makes interactions had takes time to get into a comfort zone.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Happy St. Patricks
I've sent this to all creation via email, so once for the record:
I spent part of the day tossing emails to Pat back in 'Cruces. I really miss her and this is her day.
Tyoma grumbled about wearing his green gap shirt today, since he wanted to wear this new skull T-shirt. I paired his green shirt with some shiny St. Pa beads and he was thrilled. His party was fun, but he came home tired and cranky. I'm so please to report that he is putting on his socks with ease. Yay!
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