A Touch of Anxiety

I woke up hyper and happy. My husband chased me out of the kitchen to eat breakfast in peace--I had been annoying him with songs about how wonderful his hair smelled. I bombarded him with dish towels at him from the TV room. Egor harumphed off when I did my recycled pepsi can dance, so I performed for the kitty instead. I need to remember that good moods do have a downside. An abnormal happy morning mood usually precedes abysmal afternoon anxiety.

I was excited and nervous over Tyoma's upcoming day at the beach with our  respite worker. At first, I balked at a beach outing, but I reconsidered. If Egor and I took him, we would be burned out by the end of the day. Ashley is a professional skilled at helping kids on the spectrum do new things. She has the skill and brain wiring to turn the day into a success.  

Nevertheless, twenty minutes after Tyoma and Miss Ashley left, anxiety set in. Images of car accidents and tragedy invaded my brain. Ugh. The thoughts stubbornly circled as I folded laundry and picked up toys. I zoomed around the house until it sparkled, hoping for distraction.  I only managed to conjure more elaborate images of catastrophe. At last, I told my husband about my worries. "Ashley is a better driver than both if us. Tyoma will be fine."  This satisfied me and I quit obsessing.

Mom Goes Home

I said goodbye to my mother at the airport this morning. Each visit she seems more frail. Today, her hands shook as she lowered herself into the airport wheel chair. I wondered if emotion gripped her, but age, and medication were more likely culprits. We hugged and kissed goodbye. I glanced into her eyes and presented an automatic smile that I did not feel. Every trip, sadness washes over me when she leaves.

Mom’s month long visit lacked our usual adventures and trips. We did not hunt for lighthouses in Maine or haul her scooter to remote beaches in Massachusetts. Mom, Tyoma and I stayed home, enduring sniffly colds and endless rain. I missed getting away and doing something different. A change of scenery is invigorating, since taking care of my family consumes me.

Mother came to help me recover from my recent Asperger’s diagnosis. My diagnosis is a happy occurrence, however, the stress and excitement of the process left me overwrought and exhausted. I welcomed her help and support. The smell of home cooked meals again wafted through the house. Tyoma gladly spent time with her, leaving me time to read, relax and fold laundry.

In the evenings, Mom had many questions. The process of answering them drained me. When my son was diagnosed with autism, we realized that my dad had autism too. Accepted quietly last fall, Dad’s diagnosis of Asperger’s was an obvious fit. Seeing the condition in me challenged my mother, not only because women on the spectrum present differently, but also because I am her daughter.

In the end, Mother educated herself through books and websites, embracing my diagnosis. Although I missed our seaside trips, we both needed this time to reflect on my life and future. Now, I want those trips back, with all the joy they bring. A diagnosis has not changed who I am, but it has given me insight into how I can handle my life with wisdom.

My Private Face

I have two faces. Looking at my profile picture, I am coifed and painted. This is assembled for doctor's visits, teacher's meetings, and the occasional dinner out. In reality, this is who types the blog:

Two months ago, I would have been embarrassed of my scruffiness and filed this picture away. Now, I'm proud of my slightly combed, definitely unwashed hair. My lack of make-up reflects a sensible woman, and even my discount watch is a statement of pragmatism.  Around the house, I wear my regulation comfy clothes and simple hairstyles. Out there, I fret over appearing appropriate and agonize over details of my attire.  I do want to look pretty, but I don't  need to be squeezed and painted into attractiveness.

Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg's slide show inspired me to share photographs. One person's bravery can give courage to many. Seeing her childhood photos sent me on a personal expedition. What would I find? Although I started out looking through childhood pictures, I ended up focusing on my adult snapshots. I learned more about myself than I expected.  After the jump, a few more pictures for you!

Awwww!

My sweet little guy! You can see eraser marks where T wrote "Love Mama," on the second page.  Tyoma wrote in his ornate made-up font "Love Mama" but they made him erase it. Sads!

And yes, I really do love Malt O'Meal! I don't mind eating the same thing for days on end. You can fix an absolute VAT of Malt O'Meal and it will last you for days. Right now, I'm eating the ultimate easy food, Kix cereal!

Fun With Saifun

I think the stomach bug that hit Sunrise Daycare finally ignited my poor sad GI tract.  Mom came down ill early yesterday afternoon and I crashed at dinnertime.  I am pleased to report I fixed not only dinner, but E's lunch for tomorrow as well. Yay me!

Let me tell you a little cooking secret. Saifun noodles are not the same as rice vermicelli:

Rice Vermicelli





Saifun



Saifun, or cellophane noodles, are made from mung beans. You find them in dishes from China and Southeast Asia.  Rice vermicelli is also from China and has a delightful, firm texture. I could eat a gallon of rice pasta in Chunky Prego sauce.

Wikipedia warns rice vermicelli "should not be confused with cellophane noodles."  This is because saifun are the slimiest noodles on earth. Incompetent cooking renders them unpalatable.

My dinner experiment follows:  I fixed my famous leftover tenderloin surprise by floating sliced pork in a bath of sizzling canola oil. After I finished making sauce, I tossed in the saifun.  The translucency of the noodles startled me. They looked wormy, like dangerous internal parasites.

As I stirred, the noodles undulated suggestively. I chased  a clump with my fork to inspect it further. The noodles evaded me in a faintly biological way. Brrr.  How to serve this to my husband?  I decided to use his mother's secret Russian cooking trick. I added more garlic and some red peppers. E loved it. Dinner success!

The Oatmeal

Created by Oatmeal

How long have I lived without knowing about this guy! ZOMG!

Flipping around on my usual sites, I came across a geek blog with a link to The Oatmeal's site. He's almost the Larson of the 21st century. After a day of agonizing fabric testing and seam searching (AKA clothes shopping for T) I was ready to be entertained by someone who knows the value of kitties and zombies. Yay!

Deathday

So how did my day start? I woke up early, bolted out of bed. My mind filled with things to do. I had lunches and breakfasts to fix, lists to make and toys to pick up.  Groggy from the massive dose of benadryl I took last night. I supplemented accordingly with tea.

I popped on the TV to watch the weather channel, since I start every day that way. News rattled on in the background, as I put together meals and tapped my fingers rhythmically.

Every morning, I have a special moment with the Local on the Eights.  In between Doppler radar segments,  news burbles in the background, ignored. Today, I noticed the words "Osama bin laden" and "killed." I truly did not think much about this as I fixed turkey sandwiches and cooked chicken broccoli pasta. A tiny "hmmm" registered but not much more.

Breakfast fixed and lunches packed, I plopped on the couch. Alabama is in crisis. Tornados devastate communities and kill over 300 people. I see the splintered homes that almost look like scenes from a disaster movie. I think, what is not right?—why this does not look real? I realize that hollywood movies have dramatic lighting, incomparable to the stark sun on raw shattered wood. Truth is ugly.

The Eights come and go. "Osama Bin Laden is dead, " they announced.  I cannot believe it. I remember 9/11. We were at AAA picking up our tickets for a trip to France. We watched with the staff as the second plane crashed into the towers. I was so shocked. I could not process the enormity of what had happened. I just asked about our tickets. I could not think of what else to do. In retrospect, it must have seemed incredibly selfish, but the truth was that it took me hours to process what had happened. When it hit me, my insides felt hollow and my skin tingled. I wept. I paced. I called my best friend and clung to her for the rest of the day.

Hearing of Osama's death was unexpected. As the details unfolded, I watched people celebrating in the streets. Maybe it's just me, but when I think about the loss of the twin towers and all those people, I don't want to celebrate. I want to sit and think and mourn.

Slideshow!

I need to post this before my scatter-brained self loses this!

I found the website Journeys with Autism a while ago and then lost it in the sea of new information I was taking in. I am pleased to report that I found it again via Nicole Nicholson.  I hope my brain will let me unleash something profound and moving in response, aside from, "The 70's were fantastic! Look at her cool clothes!"


ETA: Okay, I'm calmer now. Well, marginally. I am grateful to Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg. I feel less alone with my brain! Her school pictures and insightful commentary unleashed a flood of "OMG, that's ME!" She told my story, except for the details of her school system (blah New Mexico). I ordered her book "The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism." It will take me a month to read it, because the subject matter is so volcanic I will reel off on spazzed out tangents every few pages. Bzzzz! Already getting excited!

Shopping, Ack!

Our local Walmart is reorganizing--again. I hate rolling in circles trying to find stuff.  The last time I braved the store, Tyoma melted down over the chaos in the toy aisles.  I can't blame him.  I could not find the qtips today. Roll, roll, roll. Are they with the beauty supplies? No. Bandaids? No. Wet Ones Wipes? No? Are they on a oveloaded cart abandoned by the dog food? Yes. @#$%&*!!!

Shopping at Walmart does more than save me money.  It saves my nerves, too.  Multiple shopping trips wear me out and few stores have the wide open aisles that Walmart does. Plus, in the early morning, it is very quiet.  Well, quiet except for the hand-clapping back-slapping go-Walmart-go team meetings. 

This morning, I listened in as a short, tubby middle-aged woman read the latest sales statistics to her team. Sock sales went up 20%! (Yay! replied the team members, clapping) Women's bras were up 8%! (Yay! more clapping). Children's shoes up 15% (Yay! clap-clap). I held back on shouting, "Whooo-hooo!"  Their meeting seemed so festive.

I hear the clapping and yaying when I shop early. Usually, the manager is half-embarrased over the process, mumbles through his rigamarole and sends everyone on their way.  Today's tiny manager seemed to revel in her meeting. Were those louder than usual "yays" a result of her increased enthusiasim  or induced fear ?

As I looked for fresh sugar snap peas, I quietly yayed along with the team members, drumming my fingers to the rhythm of clapping.  I wondered how the team members during this ridiculous process and searched their faces for boredom or mockery. 

I saw nothing. The whole scene was a process, automatic, like chewing. Yay. Clap. Swallow. It was surreal. The blank faces of the team members were frightening, especially in juxtaposition to the tiny animated manager. As she rattled on nonsensical figuers. I realized that only thing the manager was missing was a reference to the Malibar Front and a "double-plus good" exclaimation.

Corporate America, keeping stores efficient and shopper friendly since 1962.  Thank you team members, for enduring mindless drivel so I can shop quickly, cheaply and at one place. Sigh.

Day Care

One side of a hypothetical conversation...

*dials phone*

"Hello, Sunshine Daycare? Yes. This is Lori Dexyz. I'd like to drop off our son, Tyoma, for a half day of care today."

"What? Cholera's going around? Hmmm. I'm pretty sure we've had that."

"Mmmmm-hmmm. He catches everything. So, what time can we drop him off?"

"Uh, well, I could put a guaze mask on him..."

"Yeah, he probably would pull it off... But that's okay. I'll just sanitize his hands before he comes home."

"So, 9:00?"

Heh. Motherhood a bit much for you, Lori dear?


So they didn't really have cholera at Sunshine, just a stomach bug. I kept the little guy home for three days, but ultimately he will get anything circulating around New Hampshire. Nose picking must be nature's great plan for a healthy, well-immunized adult.

Anyway, it was great to have a break, so I could write in obsessive little circles. Every sentence came out the same, and all my ideas were stale. Blah.

Despite my desire to be alone and write, picking T up from daycare was my highlight. I watched him run around the playground, circulating with peers in his odd but endearing way. Before we left, he said, "Just a minute!" and dashed off to speak to a pretty blonde girl on a slide.

"Lillian. Lilli-an! I wanted you to know that I am leaving now, so I am saying good-bye to you. Good-bye." He announced this with his best Carl Sagan voice, making me smile.

"That was my friend Lillian," he gasped to me. "You spell her name like 'Lilli' but with an extra 'a-n'" He added, almost out of breath from running.

As I hustled him off to the car, and he abruptly asked, "What do you look like when you die?" Goodness. I thus began a nerdy and slightly technical interchange about biological death, that kept us entertained on the drive home.